The nightmare and cry of an innocent child

close up of girl covering face
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There are things that happened as a shock in your life that could never go from your mind, no matter how hard you try to forget. Do u remember something that happened to you at a tender age, that you just can’t get out of your head?

It started at the tender age of 4years. My parents trusted him. He lived right across the street from where I lived and was also a relative. I was always afraid to go across that road, but he had a way of calling me and my parents would ask me to go across and find out what he was calling for. When I returned back home and they asked me what did he call for? I always lied, because of his convincing threats to me.

I still remember those sexual favours he made me do to him and the thought of it is like wanting to commit suicide over and over and over again. I never knew if anyone had known about it and I always wondered if his wife ever wanted to know, why he had me up those stairs for those lenghtly periods? She never came up to check on me , or never did call me to make sure everything was ok.

As a child u don’t want to disobey anyone so u would do as they say. That’s how we were bought up in society. Everytime he called I knew what he wanted. Even when I was playing with my cousins outside their home he would call me up those stairs, I was so afraid of him that I used to obey him and go up, although I knew what he was calling me for. He threatened me all the time and said phases to me like; if I told anyone my parents would beat me very badly or the police would come and carry me away from home and I wouldn’t see my family again and many other such things. As a child I didn’t know the difference of what was bad from what was good in that particular situation so I just went with the flow. He always put his fingers on his lips and told me to shhhh…..

This continued happening for  2 years, until my mother inherited a house from her aunt to stay in and we moved out of the village we lived in at the time. After we moved out and I had to go visit my grandparents, he always tried to get me to come up those stairs, but I used to run away and go back to my grandparents house. I never stock around to hear him asking me to come up those stairs.

While I grew up in front of him,every time I saw him I remebered what he had done to me. For years after he kept asking me for sexual favours and I kept denying him of it. I was still afraid of him because he was a respected man in in the society. He used to put on a religious act, taking part in religious activities all the time. He was known as a leader to people.

So my biggest fear was:

–  If I told on him, would anyone believe me?

-Would they disgrace my name and say that I was lying?

-Would I be looked upon as an alien to others?

Years after I still wonder;

1. Was I the only one?

2. Was there more victims like me?

3. Am I to blame for him taking advantage of me?

4. Was anyone aware what was happening to me?

5. If there were more opened information about sexual abuse at that time would I have made a decision to let it out on the open?

And many more questions that arise in my head after all these years. I still don’t have the guts to let his family know the horrible person he was and the digraceful things he had done. When I heard people praising him I became so irritated and angry to know the person he really was. Yes, he probably was a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife and a good individual in society, but in my eyes he was the most horrible,disgraceful  and evil person. After all those things that he did to me, I found it in my heart to forgive him. He died a couple of years ago, I didn’t attend his funeral, because I knew how hurt I would have felt, when I heard people speaking good of him. It would have taken me back to those days when I was just an innocent soul being taken advantage off.

I stop and wonder at times, how have I been struggling year after year with these feelings inside and still have the strength to go on and face the world. I never cried at that time, but as I was growing older and remembering those things that happened to me at that tender age, I became so emotional. I cried for nights, thought of suicide, was so angry at myself. It is a difficult task to go on but I am still here and I have made a decision to make a change to help others… I hope u follow me, because I have more stories to be told.

😇Milz- you are my protector God

 

 

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